When I found out I was pregnant, I bought my obligatory copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I heard this was the “Pregnancy Bible” and thought all the preparation I needed for the prenatal months would lie within those best-selling pages. Yes! Research! Clearly this would help me gestate a human being correctly. Knowledge is power! I’ve so got this!
Ahahahahahahahaha. Naiveté is charming, right?
I’m not saying that books are unhelpful. All I’m saying is that knowing what size fruit my baby is comparable to this week hasn’t made me avoid any of these “One day we’ll look back on this and laugh” pregnancy pitfalls:
- Sharing baby name ideas with family. Bigger error: Not anticipating everyone would weigh in as if this decision is being made by committee. We’re now considering telling people we’re naming the baby Gozer just to screw with them.
- Freaking out over everything the “experts” say you’re not supposed to do while pregnant. At one point I was that mom that checked the ingredients on all her bath products and swore off every food on the mile long No No List. I promise this is the quickest way to drive yourself insane. I am now Camp Common Sense.
- Eating half a jar of pickles in one sitting because at the time they tasted so good. Regret regret regret.
- Looking at my naked butt in the mirror. I think I found a hidden twin. It’s sleeping in that pile of wet blankets back there.
- Starting a long commute to work when feeling queasy. Not having the foresight bring a bucket just in case.
- Trying to squeeze into pre-pregnancy clothes because all my maternity wear was in the wash. This should be a legitimate reason to work from home in pajamas.
- Spending too much time on Google. If the doctor mentions there’s a 0.00138% chance the baby has some unfamiliar sounding genetic condition, what’s the first thing that happens after getting home? Remember, Google is not your friend.
- Reading vaginal birth horror stories disguised as “humor articles.”
- Reading c-section horror stories disguised as “humor articles.” Crap, this kid has to come out somehow.
- Checking a ruler to see how wide 10cm actually is. The scary math spirals out of control from there.